On Sunday, I was sitting in church trying desperately to focus on the service. But it was hard. Because I kept getting completely side-tracked by other stuff, like the fact that Father had rounded up EIGHT altar boys for our service (and had TEN for the Vigil). And the sight of the two littlest boys hauling around our church's biggest brass candlesticks loaded up with fresh towering candles was just too cute for words.
Those two novice altarboys performed admirably, except for one premature appearance in front of the altar, after which Father had to shoo them off ---(psst! Stage Right, guys!) -- and they wobbled themselves and their enormous flickering candles back to the sacristy to await their correct cue. I actually sneaked out of the pew to grab a shot of them during Mass. John was appalled, hehe. I was disappointed because the older boys were closest to the camera and completely hid the little boys. Can you imagine what would have happened if I would have tried to re-arrange them? Oh, man....
Where was I now....oh, right. Being distracted. Ha!
I finally collected myself so that at one point I actually was sitting quietly, trying to pray. Among my several usual petitions as always was a prayer for healing; specifically for a release from my autoimmune disease.
Nothing unusual. Except -- as I sat there, an unbidden thought came into my consciousness. It was very forceful and took me completely aback. It was, "How would you live your life differently if you were healed? What would you be doing if you were healthy? What would you change?"
My first inclination was to look around at the crowded sanctuary and ask, Who, me? Me -- made healthy and new? Are you talking to ME?
I turned the question over and over in my mind, trying to examine it: Where did it come from? How did this make me feel? Why was I asking myself this now? And if I had a chance to be whole and healthy again, what would I change about who I am and what I'm all about?
Was I even entertaining the idea that these questions were initiated by God? And if they were, was I being so ridiculous as to try to bargain with God? To add a note of negotiation in my prayers? That if I came up with a really, really good answer to those questions ......... well, who knows.
Even though I have prayed for eight or more years for healing, why did it take until Easter Sunday 2012 for me to consider that someday my prayers had a chance of being answered?
So many questions, and not one answer. I don't know. I just. don't. know.
What would YOU do if you were miraculously and completely cured?